Newfoundlander walks into a Nfld. library and says to the librarian
'Excuse me Miss, I want a book on suicide.'

To which she stops doing her tasks,
looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'F**k off, you won't bring it back!'

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.

I spent $30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental....... Women?!?!?!

GEESE roman I hope yer other half don't read what ya said hell I got in the S H I T with my wife fer just saying(married 24yrs) doing hypotheticley 292 kmphs is better than a good root Come to think of it also S H E said you luv yer bike more than me! I FUCKED UP I hesitated before I diddn't reply(I can't LIE TO HER)AN keep a straight face! ow

* Last updated by: bean07 on 9/30/2010 @ 9:29 PM *

I THINK YOU ARE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

The school children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red.....................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!

Please tell me you guys thought that was funny. Anyone ?

Ok, how about this one ?

The Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,

'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:

1, you have to be single and

2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a halloween party.'

Romans, those were good.

Romans, those were good.

Finally a sign of life,,, lol. Thanks Steve, I prefer humor over all that serious stuff. Life is to short to go around with a long face.

You guys must have some.

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A) 1 litre of 2% fat reduced milk
B) Dozen fresh eggs
C) 250ml bottle of orange juice
D) a head of lettuce
E) 500 gm jar of coffee
F) 250 gm pack of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct, but how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

Romans; all good! Keep 'em coming! I prefer humor too, but I get sucked into the serious stuff.

One day after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, toughest, roughest hooker in the Yukon," he said to the bartender.

"We got her," replied the bartender. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the door and yelled, "I'm looking for the meanest, roughest, toughest hooker in the Yukon."

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "Well, you found her." Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. "How do you know I want that position first?" asked the miner. "I don't," replied the hooker, "I just thought you might like to open those beers first."

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A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.

The company president walks over to reward the volunteers.

"What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.

The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the
f-ing brakes on that truck."

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With a sheep under his arm, a man walks into his bedroom and stands in front of his wife.

"This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.

The wife looks at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."

Romans, more please!!!!!!!!!! alg8er good ones.

Guy’s wife got sick and ended up in a coma in hospital. She has been there for a few months with no improvement. One morning the nurses are giving her a bed bath and when they were busy with the private parts they saw activity on the monitors. They quickly tested it again with the same results. They then decided to contact her husband.
“Mr. Smith, we have a strange request. We think oral sex will really help with your wife’s condition. “
At first he was too embarrassed but decided to give it go. He walked into the cubicle and curtains were drawn behind him. The nursing staff was waiting in excitement outside.
Suddenly, about 2 minutes later the alarm bell of the monitors starts going off. Flatline. The nursing staff panic s and storms into the room, rushes the man out and starts CPR.
Later, everything back to normal, they went out and question him. “What Happened?”
He replied “I don’t know, she must have choked”

* Last updated by: paul37 on 11/12/2010 @ 6:08 AM *

The Cheating Wife

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight. While enroute home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he
wants to catch her in the act.

For $100 the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the
blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it!! I lied when I told you I inherited the money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Romans

Here's one for the Aussies

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies,’I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..’
The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch?
”What’s so special about it?’
The Aussie explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’
The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’
The woman giggles and replies
‘Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!’

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
‘ Bloody thing’s an hour fast!’

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, ”I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”

”I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”

The woman nodded, “Pepper”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spFCSM8KID0 Old joke and Old-school.

Subject: Educated in Glasgow

A professor at the University of Glasgow was giving a lecture on
"Involuntary Muscular Contractions" - to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row
and said,
"Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having
an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably watching Celtic at Parkhead with his
mates"

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........

Two guys were standing at the base of the flagpole at a park, looking up. An elderly man walked by and asked them what they were doing. "We're supposed to measure the height of this flagpole," said guy number one, "but we don't have a ladder." The old guy got a wrench, and a tape measure from his truck, and loosened the bolts. Then he laid the flagpole on the ground, took a measurement and said, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Guy number one says,"Wow, he's smart to figure that out so quick." Guy number two shook his head and laughed. "He isn't that smart. We ask for the height and he gives us the length!"

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Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Bike wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This
is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota whch makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....'

'Your job is to give Elmo 2 test tickles.