At a parking inspectors funeral, the coffin is being lowered into the ground when all of a sudden there is banging and shouting from within the casket saying "Let me out, let me out. I'm not dead".
The clergyman who is conducting the service leans forward and with an arrogant smirk states
"Sorry about that but I've already completed the paperwork"!

* Last updated by: yannih on 3/23/2015 @ 6:33 AM *

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The Doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up on to the examining table, and started to examine
him.

The doc put one finger under his on the left testicle and told the Midget to
turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
'Aha!' mumbled the doc, and as he put his finger under the right testicle,
he asked the midget to cough again. 'Aha!' said the Doctor once more,
and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on
the left side...

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement
that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around
the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely
delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

'The doctor replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

Hahaha that's great, you gotta love a good midget joke.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

A guy is driving though the country when he spots a huge crowd in a paddock and decides to stop and take a look at what's happening.
He settles in at the back of the crowd and although he can't hear the speaker up front on the stage that well he trys to listen to what is being said.
The speaker starts...
"Welcome to our annual gathering for the super natural, the mysterious and the spiritual. Let start as we always do with 3 questions. Hands up anyone here who has seen a ghost?"
And pretty much all raise their hand to a big cheer.
"Great." he responds. "We normally get a pretty good response to that. So now, hands up anyone who has liaised or chatted with a ghost?"
And now there are only a scattering of hands but still there is a big cheer.
"Yep, not many as usual. But okay. Now for the big one we never seem to have any luck with. Hands up anyone who has had a sexual experience with a ghost?"
And no one puts their hand up.
But the guy at the back who has stopped to see what is happening thinks "Well, it's a bit unusual but what the heck. These people seem on the same page and into it" so slowly raises his hand.
The speaker up front cant believe it and shouts...
"Look! At the back! We have some one! I can't believe it! Sir please come forward. Come up here to the stage and share your story!"
Everyone turns around and goes crazy. They pat the guy on the back, cheer, applaud and encourage him as he moves forward all the way to the front stage.
As the guy steps up to the podium the speaker calms and silences everyone and says "Sir, thank you for your honesty. We have been meeting for years and not once have we had anyone that has had a sexual relationship with a ghost. Please tell your story to us friend."
The guy says "Um, well I'm actually a little bit embarrassed now."
The speakers says "No no. Don't be, you are among like minded friends."
And the guy says
"No no. I thought you said goat"...

* Last updated by: yannih on 3/12/2016 @ 12:17 AM *

One day I happened to walk by a mental institution. People inside were shouting "13....13....13....13". I was curious as to why, but the fence was too tall to look over. I saw a hole in the fence, but when I looked through it, some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. All of a sudden the people inside started shouting "14....14....14....14".

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

#####
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "Shit!, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"

So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You son of a bitch!!!

########
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.

The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.

“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

Engineering 101

An engineer, for Harley Davidson Motorcycle, died & went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed
the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

The Engineer thought about it for a minute & said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, & introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And finally!
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words & waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper & God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Three Bikers...

Three Bikers, a Honda Rider, a BMW Rider and a Harley Rider were sitting in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a continuing beeping sound.
The Honda Rider pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager, “he said, “I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm.”
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The BMW Rider lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand.”
The Harley Rider felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Harley Rider finally declared… “Well, will you look at that, I’m getting a fax!”

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-----------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
- ------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
--------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Obama decides to try riding a motorcycle, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience, of course.

He mounts the motorcycle uninstructed, fires it up and it immediately roars into motion.

As it moves along faster and faster, he begins to fall from the seat. In terror, he grips tightly on the handlebars,
but can't get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the motorcycle's gas tank, but he slides down the side of the motorcycle anyway.

Finally giving up his frail grip, he tries to leap off the motorcycle and throw himself to safety.
Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the exhaust pipes.
He is now at the mercy of the motorcycle's roaring wheels as his head is struck against the ground, over and over.

He is moments away from unconsciousness when, to his great fortune, Wendell, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees him and unplugs the motorcycle.

LOL!!!

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay.
He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great.
We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.
Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.
Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, it will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the crash.
The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus.
He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers.
It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24.
He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops.
All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out.
It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.
He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges.
When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken.
He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.
I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now.
We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.
Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

https://vimeo.com/132725292

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

An Englishman, an American and an Australian are captured by a cannibal tribe and the chief addresses them for a last time.
"We will cook you, eat you, and I will use your skin to make a beautiful canoe for myself.
But I will allow you one last choice each which will be how you wish to die"
The Englishman says "Old chap, tradition dictates that I fall on my sword" so the chief gives him a sword and he impales himself with it.
The American says "I have always loved guns so a bullet in the head for me" so the chief gives him a gun with a single bullet and he blows his brains out.
The Australian say "Death by fork thanks".
The chief says "I haven't heard that one before" but stays true to his word and gives him a fork.
The Australian then starts stabbing himself violently in the chest, stomach, arms and legs with the fork saying "Fuck your canoe"...

* Last updated by: yannih on 3/10/2022 @ 10:11 PM *

Good ones, guys!

It grows on you.

* Last updated by: Hub on 10/18/2015 @ 10:59 AM *

Jeez Hub,
I watched it, didnt think that much of it, watched it again, it grew on me, and now I cant get it out of my head...
"Got that right!"

* Last updated by: yannih on 10/19/2015 @ 2:16 PM *

"Now, listen to this" ... "Oh, oh, there it is."

http://conservativepost.com/ted-nugent-walks-into-a-muslim-bookstore-to-talk-about-donald-trump-then-this-happened/

https://throt-l.com/